Chapter 5. Impact of Divorce on Children

Make yourself available to your children by spending as much time with them as possible and inviting them to discuss their feelings. A useful technique is to say something like “You know, honey, Mommy’s leaving has been hard on all of us, and I know we all have our own special feelings about it.” Don’t insist, however, that they share their feelings with you. Once they know you are willing to listen to them, most children eventually become more open.

Acknowledge and empathize with their feelings—don’t judge, deny, or make light of them.

Don’t criticize your children’s other parent in front of them. Remember, they love both of you, and you should not only support but also encourage their continued attachment to their other parent.

Try to keep the conflict between you and your ex-spouse to a minimum. At the least, do not fight in front of the children.

Help your children deal with their feelings of loneliness. One important way is to help them become confident that they can handle almost any situation. Show them how to dial 911 and what to do in case there’s a fire. Teach older children how to use the stove and how to prepare simple meals. When you are not home, be certain they know what they may not do. Of course, make sure they have not only your phone number handy but also that of a neighbor or relative who is free at that time of the day to just talk to them or to help out in an emergency. Some communities even have a phone number that children can call to talk to an adult when they get lonely. Keep alcoholic beverages, pills, and poisons under lock and key.

Don’t punish or ridicule your children for regressive behavior. They will abandon such behavior on their own if you provide them with consistent parenting, show interest in them and their feelings, and are patient with them.

Do not rely on television or video games as time fillers or babysitters. Limit total time for such passive activities to a maximum of 1 hour on school nights and 2 hours a day on weekends—assuming that schoolwork and chores are completed first. Help your children find more engaging ways to spend their time. Keep a variety of books, games, and art supplies on hand or stationery to write to their other parent or friends. Help them develop a hobby they can pursue on their own and then share with you or their other parent. If you can afford it, buy a computer or tablet. Some of the educational software now available is so much fun that children won’t even realize they’re learning something. And, as much as possible, encourage your children to invite friends over. Although you may not like the extra noise or work, think of it as an investment for their teenage years: you are teaching them that their friends are welcome in your home, and you’ll know where your children are.

Respect children’s need for privacy and time away from others. If the children don’t have rooms of their own, arrange their bedroom so that each child has a personal storage area and a section that doesn’t have to be shared.

Keep tabs on your children, no matter how busy you are. You need to know where they are, and they need to know you know. “Do you know where your children are?” is not an outdated question to be asking yourself, regardless of the time of day. Likewise, keep your children informed of your whereabouts. They worry about you, too.