The Last Witness to Creation: A Case of Charles Bonnet Syndrome
January 12, 1999
I am the last witness to creation. At least, that’s how I’ve felt since I lost my sight. I can create marvelous images in my mind, invisible to the eyes of others. Sometimes the images come from a place so remote from my will that they’re no longer mine. And I, once a scientist and a rationalist, have learned to be fearful of my own self.
Before becoming ill, I painted every now and then. I took art lessons and visited as many museums as possible. Some 20 years ago, I went to the Vatican. Even now, I can see that seigniorial city, vividly, and revel in its architecture. I turn my attention to an altarpiece, carved in wood, but then I feel a tremendous temptation to make the altarpiece even more intricate. With enormous effort, I manage to gradually change the details of the altarpiece. I can recreate the entire structure of the Vatican. Sometimes I need many days to get it right.
January 13, 1999
I’ve dreamed that I embark with my friends on an excursion into the woods. I get lost and arrive at a lake. I climb a tree to leap over the water, but I find myself in an uncertain position. I’m unable to climb down, but I can’t continue climbing higher because the branches aren’t strong enough. I direct my sight to the lake: I see very large fish, primitive sharks, and manta rays. I fall and I wake up, but I can still see the creatures of my dream—the fish, the sharks, the manta ray—floating in the air, while I walk to the bathroom or the kitchen. Yet once I am awake, I know they are imaginary. This vision persists for an hour of wakefulness, beyond my control. For a while it’s amusing, but if it lasts too long it becomes unbearable.
January 14, 1999
Almost always. I don’t know why, sometimes I feel an urge to shout or to flee, as if there were no air in the room… then I lose control over my visions. I see my grandmother, just the way I remember her when she died. I could still see in those days. Watching her in such a fragile situation hurt me very much. When the feelings of terror come, my agonizing grandmother may appear with great vividness. I have an urge to run away. But all around me, there are hundreds of hospital beds, and in every bed, I see my dying grandmother. Whenever my visions become uncontrollable, I use a trick: casing or framing the nightmarish images as if putting them on stage, or setting them on a theatrical dais, and next I invent some enormous curtains. I gradually bring the scene to a close by drawing in the curtains. If I draw them in too quickly, the trick never works. But if I do it gradually and try to relax, the nightmare vanishes, slowly, behind the curtain. Occasionally this trick is of no use, and no matter how slowly I draw in the curtains, my anguishing grandmother remains there, suspended.
January 18, 1999
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