Chapter 1. It’s Never Too Early, It’s Never Too Late: Fostering Sexual Citizenship in Humans of All Ages
Publication: Facing Campus Sexual Assault and Relationship Violence With Courage: A Guide for Institutions and Clinicians on Prevention, Support, and Healing
The aim of each thing which we do is to make our lives and the lives of our children richer and more possible.—Audre Lorde (1978)
Walking past my daughter’s room recently, I overheard the following exchange between my 6-year-old twins:
My daughter:
Stop tackling me!
My son:
I thought you liked it.
My daughter:
I don’t like it!
Becoming a good sexual citizen who respects the autonomy and boundaries of other humans (Hirsch and Kahn 2020) can begin at the very earliest stages of life. At first, it is not directly about sexual interactions; it is about respect for other people’s bodies and humanity. In my own family, the concepts of consent, boundaries, and respect for others’ bodies have been a regular focus since before the twins could talk. My daughter has learned to assert her needs and boundaries very clearly. My son is still working on understanding others’ boundaries and the idea that what he enjoys may be different from what someone else wants or enjoys. These are some of the early lessons in becoming sexual citizens.
I hope to share in this chapter how teaching people, young and old, about consent and boundaries can be a natural, ongoing part of our interactions. On the one hand, our culture is flooded with images of sexuality and unhealthy pressures to be accomplished sexually. Yet very few of us know how to have healthy, normalized discussions of sexuality with our kids, students, patients and clients, or other adults. Getting comfortable with this topic and thinking about how to infuse it into our regular, everyday interactions can make it feel less scary and less threatening.
In this chapter, I bring together knowledge from a variety of sources. I provide evidence from research wherever possible. However, the most extensive research available has focused on avoiding health outcomes such as sexually transmitted infections, unplanned pregnancies, and sexual assaults. This focus may be more attractive for receiving grant funding and for getting published in academic journals; however, it does not encompass the vastly more expansive ways that humans relate to intimate interactions. Most academic literature has focused on teens or older individuals, ignoring the essential foundations that are established earlier in life. Thus, in this chapter I rely heavily on wisdom gained from educational and clinical work with children and families. I also share my personal experiences as a parent. I acknowledge that my experience will not reflect everyone’s experience.
As a White cisgender woman, professional, and academic raising two children who appear to identify as cisgender, there is much that I cannot imagine about the diversity of parenting and childhood experiences. In “Age, Race, Class, and Sex,” Audre Lorde (1984), a renowned writer and Black lesbian mother, wrote about the experiences of Black mothers:
But Black women and our children know the fabric of our lives is stitched with violence and with hatred, that there is no rest. We do not deal with it only on the picket lines, or in the dark midnight alleys, or in the places where we dare to verbalize our resistance. For us, increasingly, violence weaves through the daily tissues of our living—in the supermarket, in the classroom, in the elevator, in the clinic and the schoolyard, from the plumber, the baker, the saleswoman, the bus driver, the bank teller, the waitress who does not serve us. (p. 119)
More recently, in her essay “Black Girlhood, Interrupted,” Tressie McMillan Cottom (2019) illustrated how Black girls are socialized to accept and internalize sexual objectification and lack of agency over their bodies within a system that has made invisible the reality of sexual violence directed toward Black girls. She concluded,
But for black girls, home is both a refuge and where your most intimate betrayals happen. You cannot turn off that setting. It is the dining room at your family’s house, served with a side of your uncle’s famous ribs. Home is where they love you until you’re a ho. (p. 194)
Sexual objectification and sexual violence occur within and across all races, ethnicities, genders, sexual orientations, backgrounds, and identities. However, as these narratives attest, experiences of sexual violence, and responses to these experiences, are deeply entwined with intersectional experiences of systemic oppression. Children of every color face these challenges, yet the landscape is particularly complicated for young women of color and for other children holding multiple marginalized identities. It is also within these confined realities that we must consider how parents and teachers approach conversations about consent with children of diverse backgrounds who do not share equitable access to safety or respect for bodies.
Definition of Consent
In the essay from which I quoted earlier, “Uses of the Erotic: The Erotic as Power,” Lorde (1984) equated erotic with emotional—“how acutely and fully we can feel in the doing” (p. 54). From this concept, we can begin to transform the way we think about the origins of sexual citizenship early in life, as embodied in emotional connections with other humans and being tuned to one’s own emotions. Indeed, the Latin roots of the word consent literally equate to feeling (sentire) together (con).
Consent refers to an affirmative nonverbal act or a verbal statement that expresses agreement to engage in physical contact or a sexual act. It is informed, freely given, and mutually understood. It is ongoing and can be revoked at any time. Lack of protest or resistance does not mean consent, nor does silence mean consent. Consent to one act does not mean consent to another act. Ultimately, consent allows for mutual power and control, which leads to more satisfying and less harmful relationships.
Preventive interventions focused on healthy sexual and romantic relationships typically begin during high school or sometimes not until youth matriculate at colleges and universities, and most have focused either on avoiding sexually transmitted infections and unplanned pregnancies or on compliance with legal and institutional policies related to sexual assault (Hirsch and Kahn 2020). Consent is often treated as a contractual arrangement. Very rarely do educational programs approach consent or sexuality as emotional connections between humans. Yet this basic empathic awareness is needed to develop healthy, fully embodied, and mutually respectful sexual identities and relationships.
Why Discussion of Consent and Boundaries Should Begin in Childhood
Sexual and relationship violence is a huge problem both in the United States and around the world. Estimates from a nationally representative survey in the United States suggested that 44% of women and 25% of men will experience some form of nonconsensual sexual contact in their lifetime (Smith et al. 2018). These experiences begin by adolescence, with nationally representative surveys suggesting that 1 in 4 girls and 1 in 20 boys experience sexual abuse before they turn 18 (Finkelhor et al. 2014). On college campuses, recent estimates suggest that 26% of undergraduate women, 7% of undergraduate men, and 23% of trans and gender-expansive students have experienced unwanted sexual contact (Cantor et al. 2020). One in three adolescents in the United States is estimated to be a victim of physical, sexual, emotional, or verbal abuse from a dating partner (Liz Claiborne Inc. 2009). Nearly 1 in 10 high school students reports being physically injured by a boyfriend or girlfriend (Basile et al. 2020). Again, youth who identify as trans and gender-expansive and hold nonheterosexual identities report the highest rates of relationship violence.
As Hirsch and Kahn (2020) discussed in their book Sexual Citizens: Sex, Power, and Assault on Campus, the norms and patterns leading to campus sexual violence are set in motion long before students set foot on college campuses. Cultural norms preclude honest, open discussions about sexuality that promote agency and autonomy over our bodies in interpersonal interactions and respect for others’ agency and autonomy over their bodies. We are disadvantaging young people by failing to talk to them about or to model healthy relationships—sexual and otherwise. It is not for lack of awareness of the dangers of unprotected sex and the perils of date rape—youth receive information on these risks through school programming and often from their parents. However, youth lack models or understanding of what healthy, consensual, and respectful relationships look and feel like. Parents, teachers, and others who work with young people can be a part of changing this reality by beginning to teach children about consent and respect for others’ bodies early on. These early experiences set the foundation for consensual, respectful relationships in adolescence, when young people begin dating and having sexual interactions, and beyond into adulthood.
As the mother of twins, I have found opportunities to talk about, demonstrate, and model consent from the very beginning of my children’s lives. My son has always been significantly bigger and more active than my daughter. I have a favorite photo of my son literally crawling over my daughter when they were babies. My daughter’s face seems to express, “Ugh, not again!” Moving my son’s body off my daughter’s body and saying “Look at her face, she doesn’t like that” was a way of teaching about boundaries. Even if they do not fully understand the words, babies understand tone and do understand words before they can speak them. As my children have gotten older, I have continued to talk about consent and to remind them to ask for permission before kissing, hugging, or touching each other’s bodies in other ways. Having twins has certainly created lots of opportunities for this. However, the same principles apply to different-age siblings, play groups, schoolmates, park and school friends, and so forth. We also teach about consent in parents’ interactions with young children. Asking before touching a child’s body and providing choices whenever possible normalizes consent within close relationships.
Norms and expectations about personal space and touch differ across nationalities and cultures (Sorokowska et al. 2021). As Kreuz and Roberts (2017) explained, for example, social distance is typically closer in the Middle East than in the United States. Kissing on the cheeks is expected among French acquaintances, and in some other cultures women ride in separate subway cars to avoid close contact with men. Adults must consider these cultural norms and values when discussing consent with children. Youth who are recent immigrants or who are traveling internationally to the United States for school must understand and learn how to navigate American norms around touch, personal space, and consent. Likewise, parents raising first-generation children in the United States may need support navigating these issues within U.S. culture. Although there is no one-size-fits-all model, the guidelines presented in Table 1–1 offer suggestions for how to integrate consent into regular interactions with children.
It’s never too early (or too late) to start. |
It’s not just about private parts and sexual interactions. |
Children need lots of practice setting and respecting boundaries. |
Model consent and respect for boundaries. |
Help children pay attention to others’ feelings. |
Encourage children to ask for permission before showing physical affection. |
Never force children to receive affection from someone else, even a family member. |
Teach children to say no and to stop when someone else says no. |
Encourage kids to listen to their gut feeling or pay attention to “yucky” feelings. |
General Guidelines for Teaching About Consent
It’s Never Too Early (or Too Late) to Start
Learning about consent can start at the very beginning of life. It is never too early to introduce these topics to children. It is also never too late to start. Methods and content of teaching evolve over the course of development (National Child Traumatic Stress Network 2009). What you share with a 4-year-old is very different from what you need to share with a 14-year-old who may or will soon be actively interested in dating relationships. However, if the caregivers of a teenager have not yet brought up these topics, they certainly are not alone. Most people in our culture never have significant, meaningful, or helpful conversations about consensual sex with their kids—or with anyone else, for that matter (Hirsch and Kahn 2020).
It’s Not Just About Private Parts and Sexual Interactions
Although teaching children about their private parts and about sex in developmentally appropriate doses is important, that is just the tip of the iceberg. Much of what children need to know about consent comes from nonsexual everyday interactions. Setting an early foundation has little to do with sex at all, yet it will set the stage for healthy dating and sexual relationships later in life. Adults can point to others’ emotions and direct children to ask permission before entering another child’s space or touching someone else’s body. Children also benefit when adults say no to the child’s behavior (e.g., “I don’t like that,” “I don’t want you to climb on me right now”).
Children Need Lots of Practice Setting and Respecting Boundaries
Observing children in their natural play reveals numerous opportunities to help them think about and practice giving consent and setting boundaries. Early on, children have little awareness of how their bodies affect others. As children grow up, there are numerous opportunities in everyday interactions and in play to make observations about consent and to practice consent, setting boundaries, and respecting others’ boundaries. Adults can point out when a child’s body is touching someone else’s and remind them to ask if it is okay. Reminding children to ask before taking another child’s toy and teaching them that they can say yes or no when another child asks them to play are also ways to practice consent. In games that involve wrestling or tagging, remind children to continue to check in on whether it feels fun for everyone. Table 1–2 provides some example verbal language that can be used to teach children about consent.
Scenario | Example of what to say |
|---|---|
Saying goodbye to a friend | “Ask Zoe if she would like a hug goodbye.” |
Zoe says no or looks uncomfortable. | |
Respond cheerfully, “That’s okay! We can wave goodbye to Zoe.” | |
Parent leaving for work | “Can I give you a hug and a kiss?” |
Child says no or turns away. | |
“Okay! How about a high five?” | |
Child still says no or does not respond. | |
“That’s okay. I love you and will see you later!” | |
Another child says no to physical affection or other action | “Ethan said no, and when we hear no, we always stop what we’re doing immediately. No matter what.” |
Child does not want to hug Grandma | “Would you rather give Grandma a high-five or blow her a kiss, maybe?” |
Talk to Grandma later about why we do not force children to give hugs. | |
Another child looks unhappy or uncomfortable in an interaction | “Look at Sammy’s face. Do they like that? Imagine how you would feel if Sammy hit you. It wouldn’t feel good, would it?” |
Model Consent and Respect for Boundaries
Demonstrating consent in interactions with young people and within one’s own relationships is one of the most powerful ways to help children understand what it looks like. I encourage adults to really look at how consent comes up in their own relationships. Think about how many times you just assume someone wants a hug or wants to shake your hand, how normal it is to touch people’s bodies in these intimate ways without even asking (acknowledging that these are very typical interactions across cultures). Try noticing all the opportunities for consent that occur every day and start asking for consent; notice how it feels different and becomes natural. Asking someone “Can I give you a hug?” before hugging them can feel even more warm and connected. Asking before shaking someone’s hand can feel even more respectful. Be ready to accept a “no” and observe what that feels like. Learn to accept “no” so that you can teach young people to accept it from another person.
I also encourage caregivers and other adults to talk to their partners about consent and to start an explicit practice of consent within their relationships and intimate encounters. Truly practicing consent and understanding what it feels like can help adults teach young people how consent feels and how it contributes to mutual relationships. In front of kids, caregivers can model asking each other for consent before hugging or kissing, for example, and then these interactions just become normal and expected aspects of loving, intimate relationships.
Adults can also model consent by respecting children’s boundaries and asking for consent before making bodily contact. It is helpful to give kids choices whenever possible. In the bath, you can ask “Do you want me to wash you, or do you want to wash yourself?” Parents always comment that there are things we have to do to take care of our kids’ bodies. This is true, and those things can be done in respectful ways that involve choice and consent as much as possible. For example, although we have to brush young children’s teeth to keep them healthy, we can offer choices about how to do this (“Do you want Mommy or Daddy to brush your teeth?” “Do you want to stand on the stool or sit on my lap?” “Do you want to do the top or bottom first?” “We have to brush your teeth. How can we make it more comfortable for you?”).
Help Children Pay Attention to Others’ Feelings
Fostering empathy in children also establishes a foundation for consent, which involves tuning in to another person’s experience (i.e., feeling together). Strategies for developing empathy in young children include simply pointing out another child’s emotional reaction (e.g., “Look at Billy’s face, I don’t think he liked that”), asking a child what another child is feeling (e.g., “Look at Mary’s face, how is she feeling?”), or expressing an emotional reaction (e.g., “I feel sad when you hit me”). Emotional coaching from caregivers is associated with several positive interpersonal outcomes, including better regulation of anger and mood in adolescence, fewer aggressive interactions, and better social skills and peer relationships throughout childhood and adolescence (Katz et al. 2012). Because dating and romantic relationships often develop out of peer groups (Furman and Rose 2015) and involve intense emotions (Larson et al. 1999), these skills can translate into consensual, respectful interactions with dating and sexual partners.
Encourage Children to Ask for Permission Before Showing Physical Affection
Children can learn to ask others before giving a hug, a kiss, or a high five or otherwise interacting with another person’s body. Asking permission can be part of a warm, enthusiastic, and affectionate interaction (see Table 1–2 for example language). Through modeling, as described earlier in the section “Model Consent and Respect for Boundaries,” and coaching children, asking permission can become a normal part of intimate interactions. Thus, when youth begin dating and having sexual interactions, asking before holding someone’s hand or giving them a kiss will feel normal and routine. This guideline, as well as the one that follows, will need to be navigated within the context of differing family, community, and cultural norms and expectations for physical touch. These guidelines are not meant to dismiss the importance of cultural practices and can be implemented in ways that are compassionate, collaborative, and respectful.
Never Force Children to Receive Affection From Someone Else, Even a Family Member
Not forcing a child to receive affection can be challenging for caregivers, particularly in families that place a great deal of emphasis on showing respect for elders. However, it is important for children to feel agency over their own bodies so that they are allowed to choose how to interact with others and can decline physical affection, even from a beloved grandparent, aunt, uncle, or other relative. Allowing children agency in this way provides a powerful message that normalizes their ability to say no to other kinds of physical touch in other contexts, such as desired dating and intimacy as well as abusive interactions. Although potentially challenging and uncomfortable, it can be helpful for caregivers to discuss the reason for this practice with relatives so they can support it and find consensual ways to show and receive affection from children that align with family and cultural values. As part of our routine, I ask my children for permission to give them a hug and kiss at bedtime and when I drop them off at school. I remember a time when my son declined a kiss. It stung, although I calmly accepted his response and was proud of his ability to show agency.
Teach Children to Say No and to Stop When Someone Else Says No
The word no is one of the first that children learn, around age 2, and represents the most basic language for establishing physical and emotional boundaries. It is important for children to develop comfort in saying no when a physical interaction is unwanted and to immediately stop when someone else says no. Along with the concept of no, children can learn that it is okay to stop playing with someone who does not listen when they say no or does things that do not feel okay. Children should feel empowered to end interactions with children who do not listen to their boundaries or do other things that are hurtful.
Encourage Kids to Listen to Their Gut Feeling or to Pay Attention to “Yucky” Feelings
Caregivers and others can teach children that their gut reactions are valid and worth listening to. Adults can also validate a child’s reaction to gut feelings and respect their wish to end an interaction or get help with a hurtful interaction. Pushing children to be polite and continue to play with a child who is not respecting boundaries can send the message that the child’s own boundaries are not important. By contrast, teaching children to end harmful play interactions tells them that their bodies and boundaries are valuable and worth protecting. This sets the stage for ending harmful interactions with future dating and sexual partners.
Tips for Talking to Children About Consent and Sexuality
Be Casual
Adults, both parents and professionals, are often uncomfortable broaching topics of sexuality (Flores and Barroso 2017; Hirsch and Kahn 2020). Perhaps the reason is because very few of us grew up in families or communities that modeled how to talk about sexuality in healthy or helpful ways. It turns out that if we as adults seem uncomfortable, children will also be uncomfortable and will receive the message that sexuality is something shameful or embarrassing, rather than a normal part of human experience. Conversations that happen organically and casually are likely to be better received by young people and therefore more impactful. Having casual, comfortable conversations about sexuality can take practice, which can include having these conversations with other adults. When I talk to parents about this topic, I start by asking them to reflect on their own values and the messages they received about sexuality and then to pair up and talk with others in the room. These kinds of conversations with other adults may be the icebreakers needed to have comfortable, casual conversations with kids.
Vignette 1A family with a 4-year-old child was having dinner with friends, including another 4-year-old and a 7-year-old. One of the 4-year-olds asked if they could marry the other 4-year-old when they grew up. The parents were laughing and talking about how that could happen, if they both decided they wanted to marry each other. Then the 7-year-old blurted out, “Yeah and then they can have sex!” The parents initially froze and looked uncomfortably across the table at each other. A mother of the 7-year-old then responded in a calm, casual tone that “yes, grown-ups sometimes decide to have sex” and left it at that. The adults then gently moved the conversation to other topics.
Normalize Talking About Bodies, Consent, and Respect
Children are most able to receive and absorb messages that occur on a regular basis as part of natural interactions and discussions. Capitalizing on opportunities to bring up or discuss topics of bodies, consent, and respect, rather than avoid them, can normalize these topics and reduce shame and fear around them. When my children were about 3 years old, we were visiting their grandparents, and their 5-year-old cousin was also there. Their cousin was getting ready for her bath and ran past us, naked. My children were extremely interested and started saying, “We saw [cousin]’s butt! She has a butt!” Rather than shutting down the conversation, we casually responded that “Yes, she has a butt just like you.” When the interest began to feel intrusive, we set a gentle boundary—“Yes, she does have a butt, and it might make her feel uncomfortable to keep talking about it.” Later, my son commented, “But [cousin] doesn’t have a penis.” Again, we responded casually to the comment and affirmed that his cousin does not have a penis, that she has labia and a vagina like his sister. When he then asked, “But who has a penis like me?” we were able to name some folks who have penises—Dad and Grandad. We try to avoid emphasizing binary sex or gender through language, such as “boys have penises, and girls have vaginas,” but rather create the notion that “people have different body parts; some have penises, some have vaginas.”
It is normal for young children to show interest in their own and others’ sexual body parts (Hornor 2004). In young children, this interest may manifest as asking questions about body parts, touching one’s own genitals, or touching a mother’s breasts. Older children may engage in showing or touching their own or other children’s body parts in games such as “playing doctor.” Unfortunately, most of what has been written about children’s sexual play relates to preventing abuse or differentiating between normal behavior and signs of sexual abuse. Cause for concern should arise if children engage in more sophisticated, adultlike behaviors, such as simulating sexual acts or asking to view sexually explicit material, or if the behaviors are aggressive, harmful to others, or secretive or cannot be redirected. There is a substantial literature on the topic of recognizing signs of abuse (e.g., Hornor 2004; Kellogg and American Academy of Pediatrics Committee on Child Abuse and Neglect 2009).
Nonetheless, most interest in sexual body parts is a normal part of human development—indeed, of becoming a sexual citizen. As evidenced in the anecdote just described, my son’s interest in his cousin’s body was largely about understanding his own body. When adults respond to these interests in ways that normalize rather than shame, children are supported in developing healthy, respectful relationships with their own and others’ bodies. Children can also benefit from looking at pictures in books to learn about sexual anatomy, and this choice can help establish privacy around actual people’s bodies.
As also demonstrated, we must use anatomically correct language when we talk to children about sexual body parts. Creating made-up, pet names for body parts can suggest there is something shameful about these parts. Also, if children do experience sexual abuse, they need to have the correct language to tell adults what happened. A Washington Post article (Theriault 2015) shared the following story from a child psychotherapist: “She once had a client who had been taught that her vagina was her ‘purse.’ The child told her teacher about abuse, but the teacher didn’t initially understand because the child was using the wrong word.”
Be Open and Curious—Don’t Assume You Know What Your Child Is Asking
In her blog for parents of young children, pediatric nurse Judy Kivowitz (2019) shared the following anecdote:
There is a story about a young boy visiting his grandparents’ house one summer. He came rushing in from outside, where he had been playing with some new friends from the neighborhood. “Grandma, what’s it called when two people are in bed, but one is on top of the other one?”Grandma was taken aback for a moment but sat him down and gave him a matter of fact talk about the birds and the bees, so to speak. The little boy listened carefully with his eyes open wide and then ran back out to join his friends. It wasn’t long before he ran back into the house saying, “Grandma, it’s called BUNK BEDS, and Mrs. Wilson wants to talk to you!”
For young children in particular, it is useful to clarify what a child is asking about before launching into a more detailed discussion than necessary. As a general guideline, it is most helpful to start by providing simplified information and expanding as needed based on children’s questions. When my children were 4 years old, a classmate’s mother was pregnant. I told the kids that their friend was going to have a baby brother. My daughter asked, “How do you know it’s going to be a boy?” She was already familiar with the concept that a baby starts out in a mother’s uterus. I described how pregnant women have ultrasounds done to see the baby in their uterus and that the doctor can determine the sex of the baby. I answered the questions she asked about this but followed her lead and did not go beyond her level of curiosity. When children start to ask more about how babies are made and how the baby gets in the mother’s uterus, adults can slowly start to introduce the concept of sexual intercourse and reproduction and even use the term sex, although the conversation can unfold naturally and gradually over time in response to questions that children ask. As illustrated in Vignette 1, a 7-year-old might be ready to add the word sex to her vocabulary, whereas that level of detail may be unhelpful for a younger child. Adults should also move beyond talking about sex as a reproductive act to share that it is something loving and pleasurable for people with grown-up bodies who consent to doing it together; if the 4-year-old children had asked, the adults then could have provided a simple explanation such as that. As illustrated next in Vignette 2, older youth and teenagers are likely to have more in-depth questions about topics, such as condom use and contraceptives. Once again, it is important to bring discussion of consent into these conversations.
Vignette 2Dr. K was in the car with his teenage daughter and his daughter’s friend. The girls were giggling in the backseat, and then the friend said to Dr. K, “I want to hear the talk too!” When Dr. K explored further, the friend explained that Dr. K’s daughter had told her about a condom demonstration and practice she had done with her father. Dr. K agreed to show the friend this demonstration when they got home. Meanwhile, the girls texted some other friends and invited them to come over for the demonstration as well. Dr. K contacted the parents of the other youth, who consented (expressing relief and encouragement) for Dr. K to do the condom demonstration with their kids. Dr. K used a banana to walk the kids through the steps of how to properly use a condom and responded to their questions about what kinds of condoms there are and how it feels to use one. He allowed the kids to open and touch the condoms and to practice putting them on a banana. He also showed them female condoms and talked about how to get them. Dr. K talked to the kids about making healthy decisions about having sex and the importance of mutual consent, as well as staying safe during sex. He allowed the discussion to be fun and interactive and offered to be available for any further questions the kids had.
A decades-old body of research examining links between parent-teen communication and reduction of risky sexual behavior suggests that the quality of communication is at least as important as the frequency or quantity (Flores and Barroso 2017; Wilson and Donenberg 2004). In particular, teens appear to benefit from parental communication about sexuality that is open, is responsive to questions, and allows for differing points of view. A similar approach to discussing consent and respect in the context of sexual interactions is likely to be beneficial. Teens also benefit from receiving guidance from their parents and hearing about their parents’ beliefs and values regarding sexuality (Flores and Barroso 2017; Wilson and Donenberg 2004). Despite common misconceptions, most teens want to be able to talk to their parents about sexuality and value their parents’ experience and perspectives. Moreover, teenagers benefit greatly from the religious and cultural values their families share, even more so if these discussions can be done in a way that is open and responsive to questions and the different ideas and roles teens may be exploring. Of course, cultural taboos around the discussion of sex and the consequences of sexual activities will shape these conversations. Nonetheless, it is important for young people to hear from their parents that no matter their sexual identities and the interactions they choose to have, they will continue to be accepted and loved by their families. Such conversations are likely to be more natural and comfortable if they are rooted in norms and dialogue established early in life.
Find Natural Moments to Bring Up These Topics
As illustrated in the anecdotes and vignettes, many natural opportunities arise for bringing up topics around sexuality or responding to questions that children initiate. Examples include bath time, scenes in movies or television shows, and pregnancies and childbirths among friends and family. With young children, bath time is a great opportunity to talk about body parts and a time when children often ask about their own and their siblings’ sexual body parts. An article in Parents (Hatvany 2017) shared an example of how to use a movie scene to initiate a discussion of consent with a teenager:
I was sitting with my 15-year-old son when a sex scene in a movie showed a man and woman kissing even though the woman tried to push him away. The man shoved her onto the bed, lifted her skirt, and began having sex with her. “Do you think that’s what a man should do?” I asked my son, casually, and the question ended up launching a more detailed, nuanced discussion about how to identify and respect a person’s nonverbal communication. At every opportunity, reemphasize and reinforce what you have taught about respecting a person’s “no.”
Use Play With Dolls or Stuffed Animals
Young children learn about and understand the world through play. Thus, the use of dolls or stuffed animals can be a powerful tool for introducing concepts of sexuality and consent with children. Bearing in mind that these concepts begin with everyday interactions, adults can set up play-based scenarios that involve asking for consent, saying no, or recognizing emotions. These scenarios can include the same kinds of language as the real-life scenarios in Table 1–2.
Body Safety and Privacy Rules
Children of all ages benefit from guidance related to safety and privacy. The National Child Traumatic Stress Network (2009) provided recommendations for what kinds of safety information to share with children at different ages (Table 1–3). Before age 4, children need to learn that their bodies belong to themselves and that they can say no to being touched, even by grown-ups. Young children can develop the concept of “okay touch” that is wanted and feels good and “not-okay touch” that is uncomfortable, unwanted, or painful. Young children can learn that they have special private parts that they keep safe and do not show to anyone other than caregivers, for things like bathing, or to a doctor. It is also helpful to teach young children the difference between a surprise, which is something fun that the person will eventually discover and be happy about (e.g., a surprise birthday present for Mom), and a secret that the child is not supposed to tell and that feels bad or scary. Children can learn that it is never okay for someone to ask them to keep a secret from their caregivers and that they will not be in trouble if they tell their caregivers about the secret.
Be casual. |
Normalize talking about bodies, consent, and respect. |
Be open and curious—do not assume you know what your child is asking. |
Find natural moments to bring up these topics. |
Use play with dolls or stuffed animals. |
Between ages 4 and 6 years, children should learn that sexual abuse is when someone touches the child’s special private parts, tries to touch the child’s private parts, or asks the child to touch their private parts; that even known adults can do this; and that it is never the child’s fault. Again, it is helpful for children to have accurate, age-appropriate vocabulary and to know the correct names for their private parts so that they can report abuse.
Older children and teens need to learn about safety in online and dating interactions. This can include extending safety information from childhood to apply to these more independent adolescent scenarios. It also includes talking explicitly about dating abuse, sexual violence, and predatory behavior online and encouraging teens to talk to parents or other trusted adults if they have such an experience. It is crucial for children of all ages to hear that it is never their fault if someone harms them—even if they are breaking a rule or an expectation of their parents when it happens.
Privacy rules demonstrate boundaries and help children establish boundaries in relation to their own bodies. The rules will differ somewhat in every family because they reflect family values and cultural norms as well as safety concerns. Examples of privacy rules include the following:
•
You don’t touch other people’s private parts.
•
It is not okay for other people to touch your private parts.
•
We keep our private parts covered in public.
•
I know it feels nice to touch your private parts. That is something you can do alone in your room.
Teaching Children to Be Upstanders
Finally, upstanding is another part of being a sexual citizen by stepping up when someone else’s body, privacy, or identity is not being respected. As with other concepts discussed here, upstander behaviors can be learned early in life. Talking to kids about helping other children and alerting trusted grown-ups when others need help is a way to instill these values. Adults can help children get used to observing behavior and checking in on what they see by asking children to watch interactions and notice what is happening. Taking care of family pets can also provide examples, “Oh, it looks like the kitty’s tail is stuck! We have to help her!” Children will learn these behaviors by being praised and reinforced for assisting others who need help and asking grown-ups for help when needed.
Conclusion
It can feel uncomfortable, even scary, to think about addressing future sexual and relationship violence with young children, and it can be difficult to know how to start conversations about consent and boundaries. However, it is crucial to engage children with these topics early in life so that they are instilled as natural ways of interacting with others. There is no one right way to do this; the guidelines presented here may not all work for all families. These conversations should also take place in the context of other uncomfortable, and essential, topics that must be discussed openly with children, such as systemic racism and discrimination. Many of the tips and guidelines discussed here may also apply to those topics. Harking back to the quotes from Black women at the beginning of this chapter, many families experience sexual and relationship violence as intertwined with other forms of oppression and violence. I also talk regularly with my children about systemic racism and violence (e.g., police violence toward Black Americans, discrimination and stereotyping of Asian Americans). Although they find these discussions upsetting, I know that understanding these realities is crucial for them to become good friends and citizens. I am also aware that for parents raising children of color, such conversations are necessary for safety and survival and are instilled with even greater pain and fear. The content of this chapter must be considered within the context of these greater social injustices, and the way in which sexual citizenship is approached will need to consider the realities of a child’s social context. Nonetheless, I hope that the suggestions offered here encourage greater openness and willingness to start the conversation and thereby contribute to a culture of sexual citizenship.
Discussion Questions
1.
How did adults talk to you about topics such as sexuality and consent when you were growing up? Did they talk about these things?
2.
What do you think makes talking about these topics difficult?
3.
What are some ways you could start to promote sexual citizenship through your professional work or personal life?
KEY POINTS
•
Most children receive very little guidance or modeling on how to be a sexual citizen who practices consent and respect for one’s own and others’ bodies.
•
Concepts of consent, respect, and boundaries can be introduced early in life and can be integrated as a natural part of interactions and dialogue throughout life.
•
Adults can integrate these concepts through casual conversation; normalizing talk about bodies, consent, and respect; being open and curious; finding natural moments to bring up these topics; and using play with dolls or animals.
•
What children need to understand about these topics evolves as they become older.
Recommended Readings
Hickling M: The New Speaking of Sex: What Your Children Need to Know and When They Need to Know It. Kelowna, BC, Canada, Northstone, 2005
Hirsch JS, Kahn S: Sexual Citizens: Sex, Power, and Assault on Campus. New York, W.W. Norton, 2020
National Child Traumatic Stress Network: Sexual Development and Behavior in Children: Information for Parents and Caregivers. Los Angeles, CA, National Child Traumatic Stress Network, 2009. Available at: https://www.nctsn.org/sites/default/files/resources//sexual_development_and_behavior_in_children.pdf. Accessed April 5, 2022.
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Facing Campus Sexual Assault and Relationship Violence With Courage: A Guide for Institutions and Clinicians on Prevention, Support, and Healing
Pages: 3 - 21
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Published in print: 26 January 2023
Published online: 5 December 2024
© American Psychiatric Association Publishing
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